Barry and Kiki Present: Body of Proof Pilot

After sizing up the pilot of Harry’s Law back in January, Kiki and I decided to give ABC’s new show Body of Evidence Proof a look….so you don’t have to.

Barry Glibb: Onto Dana Delaney! I’m hitting play.

Kiki Lagrange: Heels? I had that raincoat like five years ago. From Old Navy.

BG: She just ordered an autopsy in two hours? That seems a little quick even by tv standards!

KL: “Don’t believe everything you’ve heard about me. The truth is much worse.” Oh no. Another “Loker”

BG: That nurse just wandered off the set of Nurse Jackie.

KL: And that “husband” plays a cheating husband in so many made-for-tv movies

BG: Why is she still wearing her jacket inside the office?

BG: Aw, it’s Kina from the Wire.

KL: Yes, and that dude from Volcano. I love that guy.

KL: Kina looks like Angela Bassett but sounds like Queen Latifah.

BG: Hahahaha. totally! Regarding the dead body: “she’s obviously in good shape.”

KL: Oh dear Xena

BG: “That’s what we do…..the body IS the proof.” Oh jeez.

KL: Dana Delany is woefully miscast

BG: She can’t wink very well.

KL: Didn’t I used to watch this show back when it was called Crossing Jordan?

BG: That was 4 years ago, haven’t you forgotten by now?

KL: Pilots stuffed with stilted exposition are always so unsatisfying.

BG: It seems a bad sign when the commercials for the online streaming of the pilot are for the show you’re already watching.

KL: YES! Wow, this dude sounds like Dr. Mark Sloan (Eric Dane) Wait, hold up. Jeri Ryan.

BG: I thought I saw Rebecca Romijn in the quick clip, but it’s Jeri Ryan, the republican version.

KL: Who’s this black go getter? I guess they couldn’t afford Chi McBride

BG: They already blew their actor budget.

KL: This is paced like Grey’s Anatomy

BG: What’s Christopher Murphey [the show creator] done before?

KL: He seems to think he’s famous. He’s probably a vet from he pilot wars

BG: Here’s come the part where they acknowledge they aren’t ‘doing it by the book’

KL: Ha! “Loose cannon” Is anything at stake yet? Or are we still drowning in exposition?

BG: What, the mystery of a dead body isn’t enough to excite you? She was maybe MURDERED.

KL: When did Medical Examiners in Philly have time to make house calls?

BG: it’s like House mixed with Crossing Jordan, trying to make her all crotchety and always diagnosing….but not as good at either

KL: This sidekick’s identical Eric Dane voice is creeping me out.

BG: It’s getting tender in the rain up in here.

KL: Leave a tender moment alone

BG: Now let’s lightly touch on some feminist rhetoric…

KL: …despite the fact it’s unlikely she’d lose custody of her kid. Ethan looks like a composite of every boyfriend I’ve ever had.

BG: They could hurry up this “examining the body” montage.

KL: Or use a more jaunty musical selection

BG: Are there seriously no single men that don’t get vasectomies? (That is not my area of expertise.)

KL: Or divorced men. Or dudes who don’t want kids

BG: that seems like you could add those groups up to 30-40% minimum!

KL: especially in Phill. Oh, I love this actor

BG: Um, she just said “ball-cutter.” I like his tie, but she’s sure wearing a lot of salmon.

KL: He’s like the real life version of Michael Nouri, the one you actually end up meeting and dating

BG: Hahaha. Totally! Nice smooth move there, doc.

KL: [scene changes to them barging into someone’s office.] Whoa that was abrupt and omnious

BG: ‘Angela was sleeping with you to make partner.’ Oh great.

KL: What where did this suspect come from? Did Dick Wolf teach people anything?

BG: Ok, Sherlock. Or rather, the neurosurgeon-turned-M.E. who dabbles as a detective.

KL: Oh snap!

BG: Hahahahah. there goes your sexist theory!

KL: clown horns

BG: I like when she gets smacked down. Can I get a subplot up in here?

KL: It’s like The Closer, but not fun.  Subplot bingo! Well, you are the third suspect they’ve talked to. You most likely are the killer.

BG: Why are they letting her interview again after she mouthed off last time?

KL: Here it comes…

BG: WHAT?! shocker

KL: and round and round we go

BG: Red herring bingo!

KL: Time for an intervention, Seven of Nine style. Get it, girl!

BG: She said profligate. That was kinda hot.

KL: Why wasn’t Jeri Ryan cast in the lead

BG: They totally should swap, Dana could be the Cuddy role.

KL: Delany needs the “gravitas” role. Like James Pickens Jr.

BG: Hahahahaha

KL: Ooh, suddenly black go getter is Cedric the Entertainer

BG: it’s so funny when people disrespect the fat black guy!

KL: Black, fat guy = comedy gold. How long until these other two knock a corpse off a table and get to knocking boots?

BG: “I see you.” Haha. I know you do, scruffy.

KL: Are they both wearing lace fronts? Or just him?

BG: Just him! Hers is a necklace.

KL: Seems like the car accident plot point could have been the first thing they told us about this woman

BG: I think it was implied in the beginning during the quickcut flash back. I love how pilots painfully draw out some exposition and rush over more critical pieces.

KL: This show is the episodic equivalent to Mad Libs

BG: That dude is looking creepy like a fish…..like a red herring!

KL: Yes. Now she’s dressed like 2004. They have absolutely no chemistry

BG: He’s kinda the lovechild of Eric Dane and the Mentalist.

KL: YES exactly. Simon Baker plays the mentalist, right? I call him “Something New”

BG: yes! Simon Baker has got annoying/sexy down, in that Australian way.

KL: I already don’t like her daughter. 12, by way of 17

BG: She’s got a lot of professionally done make-up on for a tween.

KL: I know right. [Dana Delaney gives a very moving speech about her birthday gift to her daughter.] Cheapskate.

BG: HAHAHAHAHA

KL: She went to lowe’s.

BG: Worst birthday gift ever – she had a free key coupon!

KL: There better be cashmoney under that key. Did we really need to see her spanx’d fanny? Every single role is horribly miscast

BG: They should put all their characters in a hat and swap. Oh, Zodiac! That’s where I know Volcano dude from.

KL: [the final witness is interviewed.] Really? The wife. This late in the game. GUILTY

BG: Ah, a woman scorned.

KL: Do we really need to walk through?

BG: They are doing it for the people they assume walked in and out of the room during the hour.

KL: Ha!

BG: “Wanna say anything?”

KL: It took us an hour to get here? Kina should have been the lead.

BG: There’s 5 minutes left!

KL: WHAT

BG: Wtf, why hasn’t the Who screamed yet?

KL: Haven’t they run everything into the ground?

KL: Please, the wife is ALWAYS the first suspect once an affair is uncovered. This combines elements of every procedural in the worst way possible. and too little Jeri Ryan. I love Jeri Ryan’s face. I guess this means she’s not coming back to Leverage.

BG: Wait, Dana’s been working in that office for a YEAR already? But today is the day when they finally share all this info?

KL:  Okay, that BAG IS FIERCE. But this show was awful. Though well lit.

BG: I’m surprised it’s not still going., it took forever to get through it all.

KL: Do they have any more plot points to hammer us over the head with?

BG: On the scale of bad, how does it compare to Harry’s Law?

KL: Worse, which is sad. I mean it doesn’t have Kathy Bates. I don’t exactly consider Dana Delany “tv worth watching”. I can’t even remember what show made her famous, other than Animaniacs.

BG: hahahahahaha. China Beach

KL: Oh that’s right. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a single episode of China Beach

BG: There was a period when it was hard to separate her from Janine Turner in my mind.

KL: LOL. Okay, that’s who I thought we were watching all this time

BG: HA. You’re like, oh, the Northern Exposure lady became a doctor.

KL: I was wondering what happened to her above the eye beauty mark

BG: Where is Janine these days?

KL: I feel like she’s married to someone controversial. and possibly religious. I can’t remember, but I almost never recognize her with long hair.

BG: Oooh, she joined Friday Night Lights for a later season! I need to hurry up and get there.

KL: “Body of Proof” has no interesting characters except Jeri Ryan. And Zodiac, though he’s mostly playing a trope. And my composite boyfriend who is also a Beta Male trope with hipper glasses

BG: Ha! Maybe he’ll come back. Unless he was just a utilitarian plot point character. Wasn’t he her only kinda friend? And they mentioned her getting a friend ten times, so maybe it will be him.

KL: I hope so because I like when TV shows validate that I have good taste

BG: We want our lives to be reflected, it’s only natural.

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Did you watch this pilot too? Do you want that hour of your life back now? (Our friends at Fry Butter weren’t too fond of the show either.)