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When Heterosexuals Attack! The Bachelor Season 13 Premiere

January 4, 2011

The Bachelor is back, and not just the show – former Bachelor Brad Womack, who went through season 11 only to leave the two finalists alone at the finale, has been hired back by ABC to go through the wringer again.  Since Brad’s first appearance on the franchise, he hit rock bottom…of his self-esteem.  Blowing off women turns out to be a reaction to his father blowing him off for 5 years as a kid.  But he’s changed!  He went to therapy, they even interviewed his therapist on camera (which seems totally super professional), and then they cut to a shirtless workout montage of Brad.  I think the producers are engaging in some sort of positive reinforcement technique to trick viewers, at least those who don’t mind looking at pecs and abs.

Then come the select profiles on some of the prospects.  Ashley H. is the dentist who dances.  Shawntel is a funeral director.  Ashley S. is a southern nanny in NYC who gets guidance from her dead dad.  Chantal works for her used car salesman father and is a divorcee of one year who HATES being single.  Michelle is dating as a single mom and doing it “for both of us”.  Raichel waxes private areas of men.  Meghan “works in fashion” but doesn’t say what the work is.  Madison is a model and vampire.  Emily is a children’s hospital event planner with a Harlequin background – a child bride who married the love of her life who died years later in an airplace crash; days after his death, she learned she was pregnant.  How the Bachelor will process any of this remains to be seen: ABC producers most likely picked Brad Womack for being utterly transparent with his emotions.

Before we go any further, we must test this theory by putting Brad on the couch with host Chris Harrison to show he’s “a better man” and bring out the two women he stood up.  They are gracious in greeting him, flashing their engagement rings and proclaiming their newfound happiness, and they give warnings about what to expect from new contestants, namely that they won’t trust him because of his history.  And now, the limos arrive and he meets all 30 women.

Chantal steps out first and delivers the infamous slap that was played in the promos.  It probably didn’t feel good, but given that there was no swollen skin for the rest of the interviews, she probably eased up on swat.  Ashley S. got very affectionate right away, even going for a butt grab.  Meghan wore bright pink shoes.  Madison bared her fangs.  I just wrote that, because that just happened.

Oops, there’s the return of the phrase again:  “here for the right reasons.”  Everyone drink!  Wow the new Bachelor is a hugger.  Britnee beckons him over to the limo to open the door for him, but the bit falls flat afterwards.  Jill announces in the introduction that she is ready to get married.  Keltie the Rockette comes kicking out of the car.  So many tall dolls walking across the plaza, I space out for a few of them.  The last contestant is Michelle in the leopard print, and they seem to have instant chemistry.  I call her getting the first impression rose!

Next up is the Bachelor press junket, where he has the same conversation 30 times with 30 women about how he’s changed.  Renee is girl, interrupted, when 4 times she attempts to talk to Brad but other come in and take him.  She’s had no real conversation with him but he already seems tired of seeing her.  Emily unexpectedly drops some knowledge for the viewers: “like my momma said, it’s better to be home alone than home and wish you were alone.”  Madison the vampire gets her moment on the couch and Brad calls her out.  “So…are those fangs?”  Ashley S. ends up getting the first impression rose – I guess the butt grab worked!  Michelle was then awarded the second rose of the night, to kick off the ceremony.  Chantal the slapper is made to sweat and given the final rose of the evening, while ten ladies are sent home.  “Something could have been there, but I guess it just wasn’t.”  That pretty much sums up dating.

One Comment leave one →
  1. January 6, 2011 2:19 pm

    Damn they are running out of stories to tell on The Bachelors.

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